Lonely? Here Are Five Surefire Ways To Bring The EEOC To Your Door

No one should be lonely.

Person, Woman, Girl, Alone, Individually

Not least business owners.

We have just the cure for your loneliness blues – five surefire ways that will bring the EEOC a ‘knockin at your door!

But use these cautiously – you don’t want too many such friends!

First:  Fire that employee for being pregnant — for her own good.

Sure, the Pregnancy Discrimination Act prohibits discrimination on the basis of pregnancy status, but you know what’s best for your employees; you’re like their father!  Especially the pregnant ones; no dusty office for her – she should stay home to protect herself and the unborn child!

Welcome EEOC!

Second: Ignore those whiny employees who can’t take a little ribbing or a few racy jokes.

Cracking jokes loosens up the workplace, especially if they are a little, let’s say, “spicy.” Indeed, the spicier the better; a good belly laugh makes everyone feel more collegial. Or a funny photoshopped naked picture of your favorite movie star; email it around – it’s just the ticket to get a few yuks.

Even better: let’s all tease the new employee about his/her body; what a great ****!   And a couple of pinches or groping can’t be that bad; it’s all part of what’s expected at work.

And when some employee takes offense, tell them that’s it’s just in good fun and to get a life!

Yep, the EEOC is sure to pay you a visit!

Third: See the applicant who suffers from blindness?  Or the one with the strange religion? Fuggedabout their requests for some type of accommodation: say, to help him get to the rest room by letting him use that empty office right next to it; or to permit her to work later on Thursday so she can make it to her religious service on Friday evening.  Don’t pay them any attention, or even respond to them — who do they think they are?

Or simply fire them.  You’re the boss, after all!

Fourth:  Take all those employees who just came to this country and can barely speak English and let them work in the windowless basement; they’re used to second-class treatment. Besides, they have no idea what their rights are or who to complain to.   And if they get uppity you can always put them in their place — tell them that you will call “immigration.”

Yep, that should keep them quiet, and also get the attention of the EEOC – a win-win situation!

Finally:  Fire that old guy in the production department; he’s worked long enough.  You need to make room for a younger, more energetic worker, not someone who reminds you of your grandfather and can barely make it up the stairs.

Nuff said.

Sure, I could go on and on about ways in which you can get the EEOC to pay you some deserved attention.  But I bet you can come up with more novel and creative ways than me.

So don’t be lonely anymore; make some friends at the EEOC!


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Richard Cohen

Richard B. Cohen is a partner in the New York City office of FisherBroyles, LLP, a national law firm. Richard Cohen has litigated and arbitrated complex corporate, commercial and employment disputes for more than 35 years, and is a trusted advisor to business owners and in-house counsel both in the United States and internationally. His clients have included Fortune 100 companies, domestic and foreign commercial and investment banks, Pacific-rim corporations and real estate development companies, as well as start-up businesses throughout the United States. Email Richard at [email protected]